Things I will and won't do when I am an Evil Counsellor

There are lists of advice for Evil Overlords, Heroes, Sidekicks, and True Loves, among others. But another group urgently in need of advice is Evil Counsellors. These people, from Haman through Wormtongue, though they seem tremendously clever, have a very high death rate in movies and novels. To help increase their chances of survival, I've come up with some suggestions of my own, and others on rec.arts.science-fiction.fandom have added their own suggestions. Here are my suggestions, plus my favorites from theirs. Thanks to everyone who offered ideas for the list!

• If I have a name which makes me sound like a complete scoundrel, I'll change it at the earliest opportunity. (GM)
• If I have a vocal delivery which a snake wouldn't trust, I'll get voice coaching. (GM)
• Ambiguous advice may result in my being the Enemy of the Realm who is executed. I'll spell things out clearly. (GM)
• I will not put the moves on women favored by My Lord, especially if they are skilled with weapons or martial arts. (GM)
• I will make sure that any lies which I utter can't be quickly disproven by those present. (GM)
• I won't entrust flunkeys recruited off the street with secret passwords or powerful artifacts. (GM)
• If My Lord starts asking me unexpected questions, I'll consider the possibility that he may be on to me, and will have escape plans ready. (GM)
• I shall replace the steps in front of the Palace with a soft grassy slope, just in case. I can always say that it's better for the horses. (DGB)
• I shall not, under any circumstances, shave my eyebrows. (DGB)
• Skulking behind curtains is never a good idea. (DGB)
• While pet animals can be a sweet and reassuring sign to the naive, white cats are a dead giveaway. So are carnivorous fish, giant centipedes, and exotic hothouse plants that are sources of mind-altering drugs. (DGB)
• Do not display the brow of a Shakespeare unless you are Shakespeare. A good toupee is preferable to silly hats, and if noticed can be passed off as mere vanity. (DGB)
• Black-clad ninja assassins are too obvious in daytime. Pick accomplices who are smart enough to be inconspicuous. (DGB)
• I shall cultivate an elegant, erect posture. If I suffer from a spinal deformity that prevents this, I shall seek out the best surgeons to have it corrected. (RK)
• I will not cringe. It never helps. (RK)
• I will take care that the lies I tell to M'Lord and his various hangers-on are consistent with each other, so I'm not rumbled if they ever compare notes. (RS)
• When pilfering valuable jewellery, ancient heirloom swords, etc. from M'Lord's household, I will have the sense to keep them somewhere a bit more secure than my bedroom closet. (RS)
• If another of M'Lord's followers is becoming enough of a threat to my Nefarious Plans that I find it necessary to have him framed for some Dastardly Deed in order to get rid of him, I will make sure it's something sufficiently Dastardly to warrant execution rather than exile or imprisonment. You just know that anyone who isn't actually dead is going to make a surprise comeback at the worst possible moment. (RS)
• I will have a safe, comfortable escape plan ready to implement on a moment's notice. I will implement this plan, when given such notice, and will not wait for the king's men to slowly catch on to my treachery. (ED)
• If discovered, I will kill the king when I am three inches from his exposed throat. I will not wait until I am hundreds of miles away before planning a return trip for this purpose. (ED)
• The person who made this list is himself, by definition, an Evil Counsellor, so I'll be wary of his advice. (GM)

Credits:

• GM: Gary McGath
• DGB: David G. Bell
• RK: Richard Kennaway
• RS: Ross Smith
• ED: Ed Dravecky III

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